Revelations

Bray beach 033

Have you ever woken up to a revelation in your life? What about a revelation about how thankful you are for all you have?

I woke up today and realized the small pieces of life that make me happy. Like waking up to see somebody there waiting for you…like the friends you have and which you can call at any time just because you want to say hello :)…like the person you curl up against in bed when you wake up after a bad dream, or whom you wake up to hug you ’cause you cannot sleep…like the family members you have around you…having who to fight with, and argue about insignificance…to love (without the selfish need to be loved back just as much) … to give and receive…to say please and thank you… to get this opportunity of being grateful … it’s a magic

Whenever I feel that I’m sad or disappointed about something I was expecting, I try to make a step back and see if there aren’t more things I should be happy for, rather than being so egoistical in my demands. And then I’m surprised by how much people actually live for themselves…and forget all about their surroundings.

So try to be thankful from time to time, and step back and relax. It is worth it.

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Wake up

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Nausea woke her up again. She’s having mixed feelings…scared about the tests she’s gonna take today, she’s wondering what to do. He’s right there, beside her, in bed, adrift in his dreamless sleep …calm of his face worries her more. What if? What’s going to happen? How will he take this news? Torment of anguish is raised within her.
‘Let’s get it over with’, she’s telling herself. For better or worse, there’s nothing now to change things…so let’s see what’s actually happening.
……
With the test results in her hand, she enters the room. Contradiction all over her face.
Frozen by the news, she’s unable to say anything, as thoughts run through her mind way too fast to even catch a glimpse of her state.
Joy…horror…fear…sadness…
speechless, on the floor, outside the door of their room, she can’t grasp the courage to face the state of things. It’s there…it can’t be ignored forever…she needs to talk and … she needs to make one of the biggest decisions of her life
…right or wrong…these no longer exist.
Just consequences that will change her whole life.
Somebody else is there, but his presence doesn’t raise a single word out of her.
His inquisitive look reads through her…he knows

Run

I can hear the road hitting my feet, step after step, as I’m running…
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I wake up, rush of adrenaline in my body, wondering where I am. New room!?…not really, it’s my room, my home…the thought terrifies me for the first time. This is my new home. Even after weeks, months, it’s still like I have just arrived.
Can’t find my place…can’t find my things…I seem to have lost on my way some of the ones I need, while others followed me here when I wanted them gone.
I stand up and start pacing the room, walking off my mind….but I got the reverse of desired effect. Memories start flooding my mind…and feelings choke my heart; sorrow, pain, grief, hate, love…all mingled in a dangerous cocktail pouring down my throat.
Exasperated, I get out…go for a run

I’ve been running too long from my feelings, but they keep following me…I’m exhausted…too exhausted to run, but too afraid to face them now.
Wind blowing through my hair, I feel the relief of no mind, of loss of thoughts…running, I found the quiet, the peace, and the answer I so long searched for…
It’s time…time to face my demons, my choices and the world I created, to follow through my decision and accept grief, park the sorrow and make my heart understand my love and hate, those mingled feelings to mark memories of past years, but leave the path clear for my potential future.

Surpriza

imbratisare
In imbratisarea calda, un torent de lacrimi a inceput sa se reverse pe obrajii ei…
El…a intepenit. Nu stia cum sa reactioneze. Vroia sa-si retraga mainile care ii inconjurau umerii si ii mangaiau parul, dar ii era frica sa se miste; da sa isi ceara scuze, sa vorbeasca, dar cuvintele i se inecara in gatlej…privea inmarmurit scena ce se dezvaluia in bratele sale, uimit de schimbarea brusca de peisaj, incercand sa asimileze cele intamplate.
Cele doua instincte, cele mai puternice instincte ale firii umane, ‘fugi sau lupta’, erau inabusite de unul nou. Realiza fragilitatea fiintei din fata sa, si o stranse mai tare intre bratele sale. Raspunsul ei fu de o intensitate incredibila. Un amestec de uimire, tristete, bucurie, extaz, dezvoltare si relaxare, un contrast de sentimente o copleseau acum. Isi infasura bratele in jurul gatului sau, si cufundandu-si capul in spatiul care se formase, parca special pentru ea, lipita de clavicula lui, respira adanc. Un suspin ii surprinse pe amandoi. Ii saruta suav pielea gatului si se scufunda la loc.
Pacea, in sfarsit a gasit-o in abandonul bratelor sale.
Eliberare!

I miss you!

I miss you
I miss you! It’s amazing how much weight these three words have on me.
Drowned in an avalanche of sensations, feelings and memories flood the mind of the young lady, staring speechless at the phone in her hand.
Dazzled by this new state, she starts smiling, her face lightens up, she radiates joy and surprise.
It’s one of those moments you wake up smiling and you don’t even realize why.

It’s late. She had a long day, full of novelty…however, her thoughts go back to those couple of seconds after reading the most important three words of that day. She finds herself smiling again, but worried about the time, she closes off…Time to drift away.

…Good night!…
 

Reading

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Reading through some articles, like every day, but today I stopped for a glance at the comments for once.
I’m always surprised of the comments people leave on good posts, especially the critics. Why’s that? Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but all those people take those texts literally.
My truth, my way, my perception is different. From any read I get what I need and move on. There’s always some information to teach me something, to remind me of something. But it will never match my thoughts to the letter, because we’re different.
I sometimes think people forget how to read, and why they started reading in the first place.
Do you remember the feeling after reading a good book? You don’t think “that’s exactly how I feel”, “that’s my life written there” … you just take with you the ideas you liked, the thoughts which motivated you, tick the book as a good one (or a great one, if it happens to be one of your favorites), and move on. You don’t live the book, but live your feelings about the book.
Try treating that way any text you read (out of your free will)
PS: I’m not talking about work books … these are some other topic, some other way of learning.
You will find you will enjoy the world in a different way, a neutral tone, from where you will always have something to learn.
Hmm … ended up giving advises … that’s not my intention … I just wanted to express my view of the world, which someone, maybe you will read and consider you have found something you’ve learned from … and it might be totally different (actually I think it is different) from what my thoughts were at this moment when I’m writing to you.

Lost

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Most leave for a new challenge, for a new story, for the change. But what do you do when you find yourself in too much change and nothing to wait you on the other side?

Waking up from a bad dream, she hoped; but the nightmare kept lingering…she could feel it in the air, in the bed next to her, in the sun rays managing to pass through the curtain, in her entire body. The loss was still there.
Though it never existed…almost not existed…she had the feeling it has been part of her for ages…grew with her and lived through her. In a way, that was the case, but in a different way, it was also like a burden, she was released…still, she did not feel the relief, but the grief of losing her world.
Waking up in this nightmare, day after day, has been the hardest thing, and she kept going…weeks, months have passed.
The feeling of loss is more present than the life itself. She could breath the pain, she could hear the cries in the mute morning…her own cries of pain and despair, the ones that never emerged, which she buried so deep, to kill her silently, bring her on the verge of despair…cries so loud you could no longer hear, that mingled with the universe, in his lost.